Sometimes Honesty is the Cure

And sometimes I just miss you. Like tonight, but I know you probably are sleeping. I will not romanticize this by thinking maybe you are thinking of me and actually sending me electric signals. Yes, i am thinking it, but it is not real. It is irrational and it’s just a way to feed my ego. 

You are in the past and I had left you there. We burnt bridges. I started the fire, you threw in some gasoline. That’s how we finished. I don’t know if we’ve turned to ashes, because I decided to look away before I saw how much had been swallowed by the conflagration. 

You said there is no more way we can go back, so I looked away as fast and as strongly as I could, because it is the only option left to me. You said we were already hurting each other and I thoroughly agree. I forgive you for it, though. That’s the thought I had with me as I turned and started to walk. 

You knew there will be tears. The smoke from the fire entered my eyes and they just had to water. Why not? Those were beautiful memories we decided to burn with that bridge. Those were beautiful dreams as well. And even as I walked away that day, I asked why they must all be fed to the fire. I still don’t have the answer.

But i know one thing. I cannot go back to the places we’ve been to, because that is like walking straight to a valley still burning. Its air is still poison to my thoughts and it’s death to me (at some point.) 

Maybe in the distant future, when the fields have sprung into a beautiful garden again, when from the ashes grew wild flowers, maybe then I can go back, look back with a smile because I know that these that sprung are flowers of adversity and they were made of those burnt memories and dreams. Those that died to make way for something more peaceful… 

-to you whom i am thinking of right now even if I don’t want to think about you. We used to share a heart then you decided the room’s too cramped for a crazy mind and a lost child.

Eve

Like a Dama de Nocheng

Namumukadkad sa takipsilim,

You are a fire that 

ignites at night. 

Your beauty outshines

the beast of darkness

& your strength transcends

the stillness before dawn.

Hindi ikaw ang sumira, 

ngunit ikaw ang nagparaya.

There is no shame

in becoming a flower

with thorns that grew

from adversity.

Like a Dama de Nocheng

kagandahan ay sa gabi

Luluhod ang makakita

sa mga talulot mong

kinulayan ng luha.

Sa dusa you'll find

the colours of your mind

& with them you'll paint

your soul still

tender from pighati

Your wounds are fresh

& gaping, still bleeding

creating a red sea 

of lonely memory. 

Ikaw itong alaalang 

palutang-lutang sa karagatan. Sabi nila

s'ya ang nawalan, 

ngunit bakit pakiramdam

mo'y nanakawan?

As you close your eyes

you see the lost glimmer

of what used to be.

The flowers that wilted

under the sun. What once

were fine blooms

has fallen 

to the edge of doom.

Your heart bleeds

as it awakes mag-isa

sa kama. 

Oh! Firestarter, why can't 

you stop burning yourself?

22/3/16 10:57

That Day

You are every cigarette
that perched on my lips
one after another.
Every sharp tip is a word
giving breath to flowers,
waters that ebb and flow.
Purple and blue skies
Making way
For orange and yellow.

Oh we are fire
imprisoned
by films of ash that won't let go.
Pulsating, fluttering,
seemingly awaiting
a consummation
brief, yet glorious.

We could have been stars
exploding to constellations,
galaxies, universes with gravity
that pulls even Time
to a great stand still.

That day too,
cigarettes died
in your hands
one after the other.
On the floor
they lay
heaving,
sluggishly expiring,
feeling themselves withering.
Until crushed by a foot
Into nothing.

3:04
18/5/15
When my cigarettes were anthropomorphic.

Craving

that gnawing craving for kare-kare,
leaving an empty bowl
a gaping [w]hole

never to be satiated


8:11 PM 30/10/14 for ralph

Sleepover

He sleeps

Like a falling leaf
Lulled
In the breeze of Autumn,
Waltzing to its placid whispers
Every sway a kiss
Every wave
A calming embrace

-Originally written 7/2/14
Inspired by a December event

Picking Flowers

You called and told,
'I belong to you no more…’


You cried.
I felt you puncture
In the forcible pull.
Turned red, bled
Severed. A body
Without the head.
I heard you drown
Without your crown
Blood spewing,
Your mouth filling
Overflowing, a dam
Left in sham
Bles
Bubbles. Bubbles reflecting
in your eyes abursting.
And you convulse
As you chase your pulse.
Your 2 minutes upping,
You’re swaying, reaching
With your headless body dancing
Denying
Your 2 minutes upping

You bled, you're dead
You lost your severed head.
You lost.

5:42 PM
21/08/14
-must be how picked flowers felt

When Bubbles Burst

May I be embraced by soft clouds of blissful remembering,
so as not to be swallowed by light mirroring a battle long lost
and mourning naively left unbrooded...

Oh how fairy tales spring nightmares
With pixies losing wings
To crocodiles
Lost boys growing
and Peter Pan dying.

11:47
ouchie
still for editing

Absence

/ the 10.07-10.07

Killing a cig
In a sleeping bathroom

The sound of intermittent
Dripping music

That is love, I guess…
Loving the absence

Your odd kind of tenderness

10:07
10/07/14

We both know we are hair strands
Rebelling out of a proper coif.

Static

We are a station on standby

With your lips spilling static

Piercing ears,

Drawing blood

To a thick thick flood.

I can feel my heavy heart

Sinking... 

& i heave, i gasp for air

To no avail,

Because we are a station

On standby

Perpetually on standby...

-on a jeep to malabon

31/5/2014

Jack

When I opened my eyes
Everything just flew
Away
Way way…
Mightily high

With inflated egos
Flaming red
Against a peaceful
Blue sky

3:38 am
29/6/13

Staring

I stared at the glory
I stared and glared
Until ebony washed
Into autumn

3/12/13 — 7:28am

Spontaneous Human Combustion

Burning
Burning
What more can I say?
A conflagration
Unfaltering
Unfathomable.
I reach down
My throat
And the heat is higher
As I go deeper.
There is nothing there
But acid on words
Duodenal diction
peptic pronouncements
Lascivious, lacerating
Language.

7:04 PM 3/7/13

Lessons Learned from Burning

The poetry of the river
is the ephocal lapping
of currents and
naked waves licking
drooly rocks
that abound
its mouth
poised to devour
and conquer

But the mist of the forest,
and the magnitude
of mountains,
winds winding
around blue birds
splayed like tapestry
on a lonely glass wall
end the burning hiker
down to a kneel,
questioning.

How are you living?
Iron doors
Rock walls
Cold floors
How are you living?

6:37 PM 3/6/13

The Secret

How did you get the snow
Land into your weary eyes?

Perhaps the cold is attracted
To windows opening
To empty homes,
Barren bones,
And heavy hearts.

Phonecall

Always,
Precisely
At the tenth
Second.
I end up
Making love
To a long,
Hard
Beep.

11:21 pm
27/05/13

Yosi (The Pleasure of a Cigarette Dying)

My
subtle spark
reddens
in the heat
of fingers
like vines
Entwined.
There is bliss
In the kiss
Of lips
intermittently
touching
my--

But
the beauty of the night
lies
in every deep
huffing & puffing,
soft sighing
to an inevitable
Ending

Ashes.
Ashes.
Broken down to ashes.

9:41 pm
25/5/13

Bed Manners

Progressively horrible
Mornings spent
With cocks
crowing
And tiny light shards
Splitting half baked eyes

Roll over at one side
Arms open wide
To swallow a naked
Mirror of oneself
Stomach bulging,
Hair strands falling.

It’s a good thing
You can reach out
To light up a cigarette.

1:58 PM
19/5/13

27 Days Before Breakfast

In the mornings,
I listen to the sound
Of fingers crunching
Axe melodies
Juxtaposed to
A silent trance

In the kitchen,
The coffeemaker
Is brewing
A good day in two cups.
The toaster is chewing
Two slices
It will later burp.

In between all these
I struggle
To stay asleep.

1:45 am 17/5/13

Shadows

We have lost it

Hiding in darkness 

While our shadows

Struggle in the light

Let's cross our fingers

And hope 

they get to cross paths.

12:14

Remnants

We have long been gone,
Like footsteps on asphalt
Washed by rain
Dried by sun.
All that remains
Are ashes from the
Half-burned candles
& abandoned
rotten fruits.